Why your dog is so stubborn
“My dog is stubborn” is one of those client concerns that makes my skin crawl.
Admittedly, this says more about me than them. But I never really knew why.
At first, I lumped “stubbornness” into one of those abilities that humans have but dogs don’t. Like deception. For all the joy and annoyance that our dogs sometimes bring us, they always tell it like it is. Unlike in humans, we don’t have to filter what our dogs are doing through the “are they telling the truth or not” lens. What you see is what you get.
But stubbornness could be an identity trait that our dogs have. As in, they are capable of having it as long as we define it as something like this: "Stubbornness is any behavior that our dogs do in opposition to our wishes, commands and desires. And they do that other behavior instead of the one we want - sometimes even when they know better.”
And that brings me to the other things people say about their dogs that I’m not a fan of. “He’s stubborn”, “She’s willful” “They know what they're supposed to do and they choose to ignore it.” “My dog needs to respect me.”
I recently figured out why these statements make me so uncomfortable. It’s because it describes more about the experience of the human, and less about the dog.
Let me explain. Your dog can’t be stubborn, except in opposition to someone else. Sure, this could exist with dog to dog communication, but I’ve never seen it described that way. Technically, you could see one dog trying to instigate play and the other refusing and then label the dog refusing a “stubborn dog”. But why doesn’t anyone say it that way? Most people might say “my dog doesn’t want to play right now”.
Notice how this isn’t an identity trait of the dog. And it’s not forever. It’s conditional (happening now, but maybe not later) and it’s about what the dog is choosing to do (not play). So why do we state this any differently when the dog doesn’t do what we say?
Well - “because I’m the adult in the situation and I’m giving you a command. You do what I say, or else” (implied threats, gotta love it 😅). Parents might call this authoritarian parenting.
(I won’t get into the drawbacks of this rearing philosophy here, but you can see its clear overlap with dominance based training methods, which I cover in our Myths that Dog Owners Face)
If you’re open to it, let me give you a reframe at this point. I don’t tell my dogs to do anything. I’m always making a request, and assessing the outcome. I’m asking, not telling. It’s a cue, not a command (if you’ve heard this phrase before, now you know the context. You’re welcome).
Yes, I make a choice for my dogs when I need to keep them safe. Yes, I have boundaries. No, they don’t walk all over me. Moving on.
Clever readers may have already picked up on the key difference between asking and telling.
Choice.
When I command you to do something, you don’t have an option. You do it. No, I don’t care that you don’t want to - you do it now.
Asking has a different feel, doesn’t it? Hey - time to come in. You ready? Let’s go. There’s a choice baked in. “Hold on, let me finish sniffing - ok now I’m ready”
So now maybe we could revisit our definition of stubbornness. Stubbornness could easily be “a choice your dog makes that is different from your own wishes.” This kind of feels less combative, doesn’t it? It almost feels so different that we could find a better word for this idea, no?
Your dog has a preference. “I’d rather not come in right now” “I don’t want to go outside and go potty, it’s raining” “I don’t want to keep walking right now, I want to look at that dog across the field!” 🐕🦺
Oh wow! Feel that shift? As we start to narrate our dog’s experience this way, it’s not anger and frustration that come up. Maybe it’s curiosity? Or understanding?
Clever readers will also pick up one glaring hole in this system. What about when my dog really can’t be doing the thing they are doing? What if it's unsafe?
Of course (I mean, of course, right?), there are times when I make a choice for my dog. I drag my barking dog away from the other barking dog. I separate play when it becomes too rowdy. “Yes, you have to go out even though it’s raining. I’ll go out with you and it’ll be quick - I promise.”
But the thing is, these instances are few and far between. I strive to give my dogs as much choice as possible, within safe, predefined parameters. And because of this, they have developed the ability to make choices, even good choices. 🤣 And guess what? Those choices are aligned with the ones I want them to be making in a given situation! (all praise the invisible hand of training behind the scenes to make this happen).
How you get to more asking and less telling is outside of the scope of this post, but if ya’ll are interested in learning more I could tell you more about Dory - who at first glance some would say was stubborn as all get out! 😂
But for now, consider rephrasing your commands as requests. If your dog says “no thanks”, get curious. Why not? What would they rather do instead? What is their preference? How can I give them a little of what they want and how can I get a little of what I want?
You may find over time that the opposition to your requests decreases, a working relationship develops, and you discover a whole new side to your dog you’ve never seen before.
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